16/05/19
Who am I?
It’s something I found myself questioning an awful lot recently, and even more so than when I was still in the depths of my depression. That was different, that was a feeling of numbness and not even being concerned about who I was or what I was doing. This is a new feeling. It feels like I have got over all of that and I am back to being happy and loving life again but now I have these niggling questions in the back of my head: Who am I? Am I a good person? Do people like who I am?
Coming out of those darkest places in my mind has opened me up to new ones I didn’t know existed. Almost like I have opened the gates to this new me that’s constantly worried about what people think or what I am doing with my life; thinking about every little thing I have said or done and how it comes across to others and criticising myself for speaking out or not saying the right thing at the right time. I have driven myself mad with these thoughts. Things that have happened around me recently have caused me to spin off in to a paranoid mess and that isn’t me, or at least it wasn’t me. Maybe it’s part of the new me, the me that now knows how dark you can feel and so the mind is much more aware of these places. Or maybe this is just another side effect of depression and anxiety that I must battle with. I’m not sure to be honest, but I know it’s all new and is definitely linked to the way I was feeling last year.
According to the Mind website, paranoia and negative feelings about yourself can stem from multiple different places and is likely to be a combination of a few…
- Having confusing or unsettling experiences or feelings that you can't easily explain.
- The way you feel – if you are anxious or worried a lot or have low self-esteem and expect others to criticise or reject you.
- The way you think – if you tend to come to conclusions quickly, believe things very strongly and don't easily change your mind.
- If you are isolated.
- If you have experienced trauma in the past.
From what I can tell, my feelings are a symptom of my mental health problems. Experiencing anxiety and depression in the last 12 months has left me feeling vulnerable and confused by my thoughts; worrying about everything and letting it all build up in my mind. Ultimately creating a feeling of confusion about who I am as a person and what I want to be doing with my life.
I have decided to deal with this in the same way I did when I was feeling depressed – talking about it and writing about it. Granted the tears may still flow and it can be hard to open up and be honest about my thoughts but I know it worked last time and I know other people will be feeling the same.
I tell my friends if I am feeling paranoid, sad or confused. I talk to my partner about everything; sometimes in detail and sometimes just to say I feel sad and I need a hug - which is so good for the soul by the way! I ask others around me if I am being silly and if this is all in my head; which is always a yes. I speak to my family about normal things and how their lives are which helps me remember who I am and where I come from. Just having these conversations whenever a feeling hits or whenever I start to feel negative has made everything so much easier to deal with. It can be incredibly hard to ask these questions and be honest about how you feel, but you must let it out. There is nothing worse than letting it all bubble away inside you.
I have come to realise that we are all products of our time on this earth, the things we go through having huge effects on the way we behave, the way we think and the way we feel. We still have those core personalities and traits that come with genetics and consciousness, but sometimes we act or think in certain ways because of the things we have experienced in our time alive on this planet. And when it all comes down to it, it doesn’t really matter what anyone thinks of you, only what you think of yourself and what your close friends and family know of you. They know the real you and they love the real you.
So…with all that in mind… I thought I’d take this opportunity now to be completely honest with you all and tell you a little bit about who I am…
…I am a girl who loves her friends and family dearly. I am a girl that finds life scary and stressful sometimes. I am a girl who would do anything for anyone I knew was suffering. I am a girl that loves animals more than life itself! (Especially my cat) I am a girl that cries over the smallest of things; TV commercials, a sad song, a kitten, the news…. you name it! I am a girl who loves to make people laugh. I am a girl that loves to cook. I am a girl that loves to go out raving. I am a girl who enjoys drinking prosecco before midday on special occasions. I am a girl who finds puns hilarious. I am a girl who loves the colour pink. I am a girl who loves spicy food. I am a girl who loves to organise and plan things. I am also the girl that gets upset or angered when plans don’t work out. I am a girl with opinions. I am a girl that says exactly how she feels when she feels it. I am a girl who worries about the smallest things. I am a girl that worries about what people think. I am a girl who stresses over money at any given chance. I am also a girl who will donate her time and her money to those who need it more. I am a girl that can be a nightmare to live with at times. I am a girl who can be fiery and stand-off-ish at times. I am a girl that takes everything to heart. I am a girl who carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. I am a girl with big dreams and ambitions. I am a girl who always tries to do right but sometimes makes mistakes. I am human...I am... ME.
Who are you?
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